Saturday, May 21, 2011

Life goes on....

Well, it's been almost a week since I found out about the passing of a precious baby boy, Corbin. I cannot begin to understand what it's like to lost a child and to be honest, I don't want to know. The day I found out I cried. I cried for Ruth, for Cody, for Colt, for their families, for the friends, for the people who would never get to meet him, for everyone in his life. I cried because as a mother myself this was just heartbreaking. I cried because it hit so close to home. I cried because I actually knew someone who had lost a child. I cried a lot that day. After I read about what happened I picked up my kids and hugged them tight. Guinevere got mad and Malachi thought I had went nuts. I thank the Lord for giving me healthy kids. All that day I just cried and mourned the loss of a precious life. The next day I woke up feeling guilty. How could I have such healthy kids and Ruth just lost hers? I honestly felt guilty for having healthy kids. I thought if my kids were sick I could relate to her more and maybe understand a little better. I just wanted to be back home and with Ruth to help them out. Then my kids woke up. I started to cry knowing that Corbin wouldn't wake up. I fixed them breakfast and started to cry. Ruth wouldn't be feeding Corbin breakfast this morning.  All morning I was a huge well of tears. Every little thing my kids did made me think if Corbin and how he would never do that. I got mad that such a little life was taken. Then they went down for their naps that afternoon. I sat down and all of a sudden I started laughing. I noticed some blocks built in a tower in the middle of the floor that my son had done. I was to depressed and felt to guilty all morning to notice that he had built that tower. I hadn't seen him do that before. I felt proud then. My son had built this tower! YAY!!!! Then I thought, we have to keep building. We have to keep moving on. My kids didn't know this tragedy had happened, yet they went on. They learned new things. Then I laughed again because I knew if Ruth found out how I was acting she would kick me in the butt! When my kids woke up that afternoon from their naps they both gave me hugs. In those hugs I felt a bit of peace. Yes, this awful thing had happened but we all learned so much and gained so much from it. I had never known about Williams Syndrome before this. As I passed along their story more people learned about Williams Syndrome. Awareness for this disease was raised. Yes he was here only a short time but in that short time he made a HUGE impact in the world. I played with my kids that afternoon and evening knowing that Corbin was ok. The doctors did an operation on him to heal his heart. His heart did get healed. It may not have been the way we all wanted but it did get healed at last. Putting my kids to sleep that night I prayed that I could teach them something about Corbin. Maybe not today, nor tomorrow but someday I hope I can. I went to bed feeling a lot better about what had happened. Corbin was up in heaven looking down on us with a perfect heart. I knew that he wouldn't want us to dwell on the sadness of his death. He would want us to focus on the positive. Hopefully more people are educated on Williams Syndrome now that this story has been shared. 

In the few days since then I still feel a bit of sadness every now and then. There is a special place in my heart for a little boy whom I have never met. His story will always stick with me. The strength of his mother and father will always amaze me. The days have passed but his memory is forever. My son has learned a few new words in the past few days. My daughter has taken 3 steps by herself! I like to think that maybe Corbin is helping them along. I know he's helping me. As I am writing this my daughter is playing and figuring out how a toy works. My son is eating breakfast and smiling. Life does go on, we just have to figure out how to take what has happened and make it a part of us, hopefully for the better.

Ruth, you are an amazing mother. You have dealt with more than anyone should have to. You have shown such strength and courage and love. I hope I am as wonderful mother to my kids as you are to your boys. Thank you for sharing your story and journey. I know it's not over for you yet and I hope you know if you need anything feel free to ask. In the days coming though I hope some sense of peace is restored to you and your family. Corbin is so special and he has touched so many. Thank you for letting us be a part of it. We'll be wearing red and green (my daughter doesn't have anything red) on Monday in support and releasing a balloon. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

In Memory...

I want you to know that you have taught me many things in these past 3 months. Faith, Hope, Strength, Courage have all been a part of that. I think the biggest thing though is how to Fight. How to Fight for the right reasons and not to give up. Determination in getting there. Perseverance in during the Fight. You were much much much stronger in your 3 months than I have been in my 24 years. Reading about your journey has touched me to the deepest part of my soul. I will never forget your struggle. I will never forget your journey. You brought such joy to so many people, your mom and dad in particular. I hope you know your mother is an amazing person. She has kept her footing so firm throughout this whole ordeal. I have no idea how she did it. It amazes me that she can be so sturdy in a time of fear. I wish I had that. If it were me, and I were in her shoes I would have lost it a long time ago, but she didn't. I think you get that Strength from her. Your dad is a good man. I don't know him personally but I have seen how he has been there for your mother. I know he's hurting and he'll show is pain in a different way than your mom, but know little Peanut that he himself has shown a lot of Strength as well. Corbin your brother has no clue what is going on. It's hard to tell when he'll understand just what happened. I hope he knows what a lil' fighter you are and you'll teach him to never give up, no matter what the odds are. You have blessed this world with your presence. Thank you for being a part of all our lives even if it was for a short while. Keep watch over  your mom and dad. They need to remember that you are always there for them. Keep watch over your big brother. Remind him each and every day that you're watching over him. I pray that your family will get through this with as much Strength as they have had throughout these past 3 months. Corbin, you are not gone. You are still here. I can only hope that you're watching over me and my family as well. Give your mom, dad, and brother a hug from me, ok? 

Lots of love,

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Sorry I've been absent!!

You all have to check this website out! They are giving away a 50$ Visa giftcard!!!

I hope to be keeping in touch more often. Things around here have been hectic and crazy!!